I’ve sat down to write approximately 9 times over the past few weeks and each time I draw a blank. It’s frustrating. I know that I NEED to write. I know how to write. And yet the words, all words, are locked away, and I’ve not had the energy or inclination to try and rescue them from the dark recesses of my being.
They have been hammering on the door crying to be let out. And yet I just turn away. Why?
As I sit here I feel guilty for ignoring them, as if I’ve some how neglected a vital part of my life. Why have I been blocking them out? Can I put my finger on a reason?
One thing has taken a hold and held my words captive. Held my security and confidence to ransom. One thing that I have allowed to bring doubt and questioning. I gave permission without realizing.
A few months ago I sat sobbing while someone questioned my very calling. While they expressed just how little “success” I had seen over the years of ministering and loving the most broken. While they told me what I was and was not. And ultimately made me feel foolish and emotionally incompetent for crying and breaking over the calling that I am so passionate about.
The negativity of that encounter took root and started to grow. It wrapped itself around my soul and started to break me down. And soon I found myself wallowing in self doubt and two mindedness. Not realizing that I was holding unforgiveness like a prized possession.
What if their words were true?
They’re not… but what if they were?
What if I’m not good enough to lead this amazing team that is now all around me? What if I AM too emotional? Too irrational? What if their words were true?
But they are NOT!
I realize as I sit here that I need to release the pain and the person. That I need to walk forward in forgiveness and breathe out the hurt.
I have been frustrated at the high amount of women coming to us every week, frustrated that we can not do more right now. I’ve questioned “what’s the point” “are we even making a difference?” I mean what can a small team of women really do? Are our voices valid?
All of these questions coming due to one conversation that shattered my belief in myself and the calling. And then there’s His voice… YOU ARE CHOSEN.
We are chosen. Each member of Hope’s Anchor has been hand picked by a Father who knows His daughters so very well. A Father who has created us emotional, tough, fierce, gentle, logical, scatterbrained, organized, loving, funny, unconditional, unwavering, stubborn and brave. We are HIS team, chosen before time began, for such a time as this.
Some came willingly, some literally “Jacobed” the calling until He loved them into submission. We are His and He is ours, He is the reason for our calling. His love defines us and His love is all that saves us.
His love propels us into the darkest places.
His love heals.
His love is why they come.
His love wins EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
And so maybe I am too emotional, too impulsive, too much at times, but you know what? I’m emotional, impulsive and too much because of Him!
Over the past three months we have helped three women get out of the sex trade and off the streets. Yes there are 100’s more who are still there, broken and scared, but now there are 3 less. Because of His love.
He chose each of us to display His love to the broken and the vulnerable. And through His love healing flows, not just for them but also for me.
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We appreciate everyone who is so faithful and so generous in their giving. We love you.