It’s midnight and my 5 kiddos are asleep. I’m laying in my bed with tears rolling.
My whole life I’ve battled anxiety, it’s something that I never acknowledged until a couple of years ago. I’ve felt shame and guilt about this battle for decades and due to those feelings I tried to keep it hidden. How detrimental.
I’m an empath and an over thinker. I feel EVERYTHING deeply, especially silence. I’m at a point right now where I am having to FULLY rely on what I know of Love in order to get through each day and some days are harder than others. I very much feel that I am in a period waiting, and that in itself usually would be an anxiety trigger for me. The unknown of what’s around the next corner would usually terrify me, and yet this time of waiting is pushing me to look inward at my heart, my desires, my calling and my faith. I find myself catching my usual reaction before it manages to take a hold of my heart. I am able to analyze where the anxiety is rooted and pull it up and lay it at Loves feet.
I have a personal journey that I have recently found myself on and this journey is requiring me to wait, to be patient and to trust that Love has orchestrated and mapped out this journey and I am learning daily to accept the challenge of holding onto Hope as I wait. The questions are there, the over thinking is trying to take ground and cause anxiety to kick in, but Love keeps giving me these “signs” that this journey is good and true and yet when I start to feel anxious about it again I find myself asking Him for another sign. “A signier sign” as my best friend was teasing me about over the weekend. Like really, how many signs do I need that Love is sovereign over this journey?! One more apparently 🤣🤦🏻♀️
So here I am, laying in bed with my 3 Littles listening to their gentle snores and thanking Love for the road that He has currently placed me on. I am trusting in the waiting. Holding onto the truth that is unfolding before me, and trying to vanquish any doubts or fears that pop up along the way. I know breakthrough is coming for us, I just need to trust that Love will bring it in His perfect time.
This is my first blog post of the year, I can’t believe I have been so slack with my writing, my only excuse is that this year has been super intense and my writing has been put on the back burner. It’s not a good excuse I know but it’s all I have right now 🤣🤦🏻♀️
So much has changed and evolved over the past few months.
The first major change was I became foster mum to 2 extra little ones. For my whole life I have prayed for a daughter. I ADORE my boys and they are the greatest blessing to me, especially since becoming a single mum, however I always felt that my little family wasn’t quite complete. Then along came Thobile, a young single Mama of twins baby girls. She was really battling to care for her girls, she has no family and no support and one day she turned up at the baby home begging for someone to raise her babies for her. She wanted to stay in the girls lives and she knew that if she put them up for adoption it would be very unlikely that she would be able to have a relationship with the babies. Her dream was to have her girls in a secure and loving family who would also accept her and not cut her out. I spent a long time in prayer and asking the Father if this was something that He was urging me to do.
After seeking advice from my family and my South African support structure I decided to bring the twins home with me and start building a relationship with their Mama. It’s been 4 months and I can honestly say that this has been one of the best decisions that I have ever made. My baby girls are just amazing and so is their birth Mama. I don’t know how I am doing this or how we are financially surviving as a family of 6 but it’s happening and we are all thriving.
Amayah Sage and Lumi Love have bought us so much joy and Mama Thobile is in contact Weekly and she has managed to find a full time job about 3 hours away from us. She visits when she can so that we can keep the beautiful relationship strong.
Joseph, Jesse and Hudson are incredible big brothers and have accepted this big adjustment like the champions that they are. They are so helpful and loving with the twins and I’m beyond proud of them.
Bringing home 2 extra mouths to feed was a MASSIVE step of faith and we have definitely felt it financially but the Father has provided and this has just been confirmation that this was the right decision.
The boys have been doing so well in school and Joe and Jess are now looking at what their next step in education is going to look like. Joe is ready to start his GED and Jesse is really passionate about becoming a game ranger. I’m so proud of them both and the young men that they are growing into. Raising teenage boys is an adventure to say the least and I’m loving it. Hudson is a complete delight. He’s got the hang of reading and is so proud of himself. He is so sweet and brings me a beautiful about of joy. I feel like I’m the proudest Mum on the planet.
As for me, I’m doing OK. I always imagined having a big family but I never imagined that I would be doing it alone and that’s hard at times. Not having a significant other supporting me has been a roller-coaster of emotions. I get lonely and some days I’m beyond exhausted but I know that the Father has me close to Him and I know where my strength comes from. I have grown so much this year, as a mother, a woman and as a leader it’s not been easy but it’s been worth it. I am beyond thankful for my friends who are my support system and my family here in South Africa. They have really kept me going through the pain and trauma that I’ve experienced this year.
A few weeks ago I had a fainting spell while on outreach, I suffered quite a nasty head and face injury and spent about 16 hours getting it sorted out. After x-rays and a CT scan I was given the all clear for severe damage and had my face stitched up and went home to heal. It wasn’t a great few weeks and I’m still getting quite bad headaches but my scaring is healing well and I am thankful for that. My tribe really rallied around me and the kids and they kept me going through it all. I love them all so much.
eXpose HOPE is going strong this year and we are seeing so many of our sex worker friends finding freedom. It’s so exciting to watch them walk into the lives that they were created to live. We have partnered with Joyce Meyer ministries and with a Durban based ministry called The Domino Foundation, and these partnerships have really helped us to step our work up a notch. It’s really exciting to gain the support and love of others who are in line with our hearts and vision for our sex industry friends.
Our team is strong and fierce and I love them so completely. I am thankful for everything that they bring to the table and even though so many of us have been going through a lot of difficult times this year, my team has stayed strong and focused. They really are incredible.
There have been moments this year when life has felt impossible and even times when I have questioned everything, even questioning if this life is worth it, should I quit and move back to the uk, but I KNOW with every part of me that this is where I am supposed to be and this is the work that I was created for. So I keep pushing forward.
As we head towards 2023 I feel excited for what’s to come. I know that a breakthrough is just around the corner and I know that provision for my family and the ministry is coming. We have so many plans and dreams to expand our work and reaching out into more of the red light districts here in Durban and as soon as the funding arrives we will make those steps. We are excited. And there is an anticipation for the new year that is coming.
I want to say a great big THANK YOU to all of you who have supported me over the years. Those who have loved the kids and I and have supported us through it all. You have been an intricate part of our journey and the work that I am doing here in South Africa. I couldn’t do any of this without your love and care. You guys are incredible. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Here’s to another year of family and ministry. 🖤
For donations….
PayPal account downseyluff@aol.com
Banking… HSBC Mrs V E Downs
sort code 40-36-22 Account number: 91808885
With much love and blessings from Vash, Joe, Jesse, Hudson, Amayah and Lumi.
A Hopeful Reality. 